Life is a bitch...

I spent the last two years of my high school life in a boarding school. Well it was technically a "behavior modification" school for troubled teens. I learned many important lessons during my time there, the most important of which was this:

Life is a bitch, grow up.

I lived a very sheltered life pre boarding school. My parents were very involved in their church and so, by default, I was too. Most of my friends were people from church. I technically was not allowed to have "non-christian" friends, although going to a public school makes that nearly impossible. The friends I did have that were not from my church were "bad" friends as my family would put it. I, being a very loving and accepting person, did not understand what made them so "bad." They introduced me things like good music that talked about things I felt rather than just worshiping God. They showed me books that sparked a love and desire to read about magical things I never knew about. They inspired me to write poetry and draw. They helped me to shape a personality outside of worship practice and bible study. This was too much for my family. It was unacceptable and had to be stopped. 

I began building a wall between myself and my parents. Brick by brick I separated my life from theirs. I became anxious and depressed. My drawings became engravings in my arms and legs. My poetry became dark and angry. I began questioning this religion I grew up so closely intertwined with. My heart was broken, my soul was in pain. 

I became very angry as slowly my privacy was taken away. I could no longer journal for fear of someone reading it and using my words against me. My cd's were stolen and shattered and burned. My beautiful books were torn to pieces. My world was shattering around me.

The fights got worse. Tears fell every day. Hurtful things were said.

Then came something I never ever expected.

It was the day before my sisters 21st birthday. Being that I was only 15 I knew I would not be able to celebrate with her how I knew she would be celebrating. I never expected that I would not even be able to wish her a happy birthday though.

In the wee hours of the morning two strangers came into my room and told me they were taking me to Montana. My parents told them it was okay and I needed to go with them right away. I could not take anything with me.

Just like that everything was ripped away from me.

The students at this school were there for things like drugs and alcohol, gang involvement, lots and lots of sex, physical abuse. Some were court ordered, some were there because their parents sent them. They were all the exact people I was forbidden from befriending...So why was I there?

Now, I'm not saying I was perfect. I did my share of experimenting. I smoked weed a couple times, I tried a couple of my sisters bitch beers, I smoked cigarettes occasionally, and the biggest sin? I had a girlfriend.

Anyway.

The kids in this school were much further past experimentation than I was. Meth, heroin, pregnancies, stealing, gang affiliations. I was swimming in a pool of everything my parents didn't want me around.

These kids were also ruthless. I was innocent compared to most of them and they knew that. It was as though I were thrown into a den of lions. I learned quickly that I couldn't be a child. I had to grow up or be eaten alive.

It wasn't until I returned home that I realized just how much I really did grow up though. I tried hanging out with people my age and they all seemed so childish. I was almost 15 when I left and 17 when I returned.

I am almost 26 now and my two years there have shaped who I grew into as an adult. These last 10 years have been quite the ride and every once in a while I am reminded of just how much I have grown. More specifically, often I am reminded of how far ahead of people my age I am, and how little patience I have for immaturity.

Sometimes I wish it were socially acceptable to be as brutally honest with people as we had to be in school. I think everyone should be faced with some honesty and a reality check at some point in their life.

I would not wish what I went through upon anyone. I just wish everyone had to go through a moment in their life where they were pushed into growing up.

-lcr




p.s.

This is hopefully the first of many posts in an effort to put into words my experiences and how they have changed my life. If you have any questions please feel free to ask and I will answer to the best of my ability.